Shakylegs: 11/01/2004

You sexy bitch
If you're going to humiliate your dog, I say go all the way. (Why do I imagine chewed-up slippers in someone's future?)

Just a wee bit? Like, 24 inches?
I've got the gear. Now, would it be at all possible to get snow? Just enough to glide on and to earn some turns. I'm dying (dying!) to feel my nostril hairs freeze when I breathe, and to snuggle in a warm sleeping bag while it's -20 out. Is that too much to ask?

I can't help it
But this makes me laugh.

Oooo, extra stuff
Got this from the Neurotic Fishbowl: sign-up for 2004's Secret Santa to get an extra gift for Christmas. You'll have to reciprocate, however. I suggest adding new stuff to your wishlist.

It can't be wrong when it feels so tedious
Could someone please offer me some reassurance? I've been indexing a book for the past week and, well, gosh darn it, I love the tedium. To think that I could make good money doing this. Granted, I would probably have no friends, but that would be different how?

Suma cum laude, baby!
Mmmm, Nerd pr0n.

Where's his face?
Taking off this weekend for a wilderness first aid course. I know it's rather mandatory in regard to common sense, but wow am I ever not looking forward to it. I took the same course about 3-4 years ago, the course is 16 hours long, 8 hours a day. You're plied with a lot of theoretical info the first day, and they finish it off with a slide-show of what could happen outdoors. Like, well, a wolverine attack (eek!), the effects of frostbite (that used to be a toe?), an exploded finger (never wear a ring when climbing, trust me on this), a guy's head with all the skin ripped off (never let a bear "lick" the honey off your face), etc. Good times.
When I took this course the last time, all of us were pretty much in shock, which we alleviated with copious amounts of alcohol and karaoke singing in a tavern in some hick Laurentian town. William Hung can't hold a candle to my rendition of She Bangs.
Speaking of frostbite, PBS is showing Touching the Void, Sunday night at 9. Catch it if you haven't already.

How to kill ten minutes
You're bored at work, you've surfed the interweb to your heart's content. What to do, what to do? Here's something: if you work with engineers or other science folks, check out the colour of their socks. Nine times out of ten, they're probably wearing white tube socks. Sad but true.
Once you've proved my theory to be correct, try this: grab a guy's bicep. Again, nine time out of ten, the fellow will unconsciously flex. Granted, this works better if you're a girl/woman doing the touching/grabbing.

The Amazing Voyage
While the milliner and I are gearing up for another session of The Amazing Race, which this time seems replete with more than its usual collection of assholes, two friends of mine are actually travelling to the locations that appeared in the last series, as part of their one-year-long road trip. I don't know if any oxen have been broken along the way but, then again, I'm sure they haven't insisted on seeing any country's president because of a disputed cab fare.
Regardless, they just summited Kilimanjaro. Their trip reports can be found here.

Okay, this may be bordering on obsession
So, I'm at the gym last night, and notice a bunch of folks grouped around a section of the bouldering wall. Strong folks, used to climb with them with I was stronger and they were waaayy weaker. Whatever, go off and do my thing. However, it dawns on me that "CS" is there. (Think what Michael Jordan is to basketball, or Wayne Gretsky is to hockey.) He's in town, visiting his gf.
At a certain point, I go over and talk to him, firmly establishing my role as wannabe star fucker. We get to talking, he mentions that he finds it a bit chilly up in our neck of the woods. So, what do I do? That's right, I try to convince him to take up back-country skiing and winter camping. Because, heck, why bother being a minor superstar when you could instead be practising a sport that will leave you hurting, cold, and miserable?
For some reason, I don't think I succeeded in convincing him.

A subtle joke
Two tourists were walking together at the Grand Canyon. They saw some eagles soaring above them. Later the tourists slipped over the edge of a precipice and unfortunately plunged to their deaths.
Their souls left their mortal bodies and ascended to heaven. As they rose they saw the same eagles and one soul cried out to them, 'Ah - Eagles.'
But the eagles, being polite, said nothing.

Rum. Rum would be good
Went to Adonis the other night, to pick up some herbs for some lamb. Turned out quite nicely, was really simple and, heck, lamb is my favourite vegetable. Now I have this huge bunch of mint left over. What to do, what to do? Oooooo, mojitos.
Let it snow, we'll be raising a glass or four. Now if only we could find a drink recipe with cilantro, our herbs would never go bad again.

Medical Problem
A fellow goes to the doctor, for what he describes as a "personal" problem. The doctor asks him what the problem is.
Patient: Well, you see, doc, I wake up in the morning, my wife is just getting up and, feeling horny, we do the act. Then, I go downstairs to make my coffee. Normally, the maid is already there. So I do her also."
Doctor: mmkay.
Patient: Then, when I get to the office, my assistant usually comes in with the day's updates, so we go at it on the desk. Heading home, if I pick up my dry cleaning, the clerk and I usually end up humping in the back. Finally, my wife requires even more satisfaction before we go to sleep."
Doctor: So, what's the problem?
Patient: Well, doc, it hurts when I masturbate.

Wow, was I ever wrong
I really thought that, in the wake of Tuesday's elections, that the, um, losers, were over-reacting and that things would calm down. However, seeing the other maggie's recent blog, I'm presently looking for salt to add to that crow I's gotta eat. However, I truly believe that any Stater wishing to immigrate to our fine country must know the difference between a quinzee and a snow cave.
On another note, did anyone catch My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss last night? Fucking hilarious.

The battle rages on
And I, for one, am ready to take up arms. That's right, you heard me. So all of you on the other side of the fence, heed me well, because I'll be searching you out and tripping you up every chance I get in the following months.
I know, it will end in tears, but it's a small price to pay. Damned snowboarders. Hee.

To whomever was stuck with my tab last night
Sucker! But no, honestly, the fact that I didn't pay for my food and drinks before leaving the Yulblog didn't dawn on me until I got home. I'm having a blonde week.